What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 00:22
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She married twice! .
My life is so biszare .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
What are James Potter's flaws?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Ive learnt so much.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I waited trembling.
Why cant I ever fall asleep with my boyfriend?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why are the Chinese so sensitive to Western criticism?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Where the ultimate outsiders.
When she asked me how she looked .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Hillary thinks we must censor or "we lose total control". Why does she demand total control?
I was scared of men, in general
She found it foreign!.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im still living with it.
I don,t even have a pension.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
It was going to be , some day.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I will be 64.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We were not on the streets..
I was 9 years of age.
She loved him until the end.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
This is soul school!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So, i spoilt her more .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She wouldn,t have been !
I could never make a relationship work though!
Comes on , in middle age.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was very sick at this time too.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I have no regrets .
Who then, do I blame.?
I think the readers, may guess!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Especially a lifetime of it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was seconnd youngest,
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So whats the point in blame.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
All the time i was locked up.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Put me off passion for life!!
And i lived it daily.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He knew the spot.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Would this be the day?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I write beautiful poetry .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
What did i know ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We all went to grammer schools
But, we were locked up after school.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was in good health!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My family never makes their pension either.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I said to her
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One cannot live in the past .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But it wasn’t much.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!